so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
