tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
