i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
