I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
