you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
