i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"