maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
