Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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