I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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