If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
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I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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