I cannot find my penis.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
