I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
