Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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