when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
