I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
