My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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