Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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