I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
