We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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