LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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