1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
