Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
