My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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