New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
