I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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