thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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