god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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