it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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