You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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