Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You were trust falling into bushes
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
