Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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