Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize