when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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