There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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