I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
