I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
