His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
