a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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