I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
This baby is an asshole
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
