So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
