I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
