I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
