I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
