We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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