I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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