I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
