Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
