Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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