$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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