you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
