i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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