i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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