ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm getting married
To pizza
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
