there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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