insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
