Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
