How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
it glows. i had to have it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
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Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard