1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
