I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
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I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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