I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
