She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.