he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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