Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
